


If

by dahdeemohn



Series: Sweet Disposition one shots [4]
Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Guilt, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 06:46:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6970528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dahdeemohn/pseuds/dahdeemohn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the upcoming roster split and the likelihood of Finn's debut looming, Sami confronts some self-destructive thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If

Rumor had been circulating for months now, but the internal memo had gone out on Monday before Raw about the upcoming roster split. Given the influx of new talent and all of the injuries over the past year, it made sense for everyone: the company, the performers, and even for the fans that had preferences about roster members. Really, this was completely logical, almost infallible option, and everyone won as a result.

Which was exactly why Sami Zayn had a full blown anxiety attack in his hotel room after Raw.

Dean had stepped out for a while to grant Sami some requested space, which may have been a mistake. As soon as he was alone, the dreaded “brain fuzz” had amplified to the point that he couldn’t hear and had impacted his other senses as well. Trembling, sweating, and dizzy, Sami picked at his arms, feeling as though his skin was on fire. The room was too hot, it was too hard to breathe. Somehow, after voluntarily crumpling onto the floor, he found his way into the bathroom and managed to crawl into the tub, where the cool ceramic provided mild comfort against pained flesh. 

Sami’s entire body was racked with sobs by the time that Dean had gotten back, and there was no way to tell how long he had been like that. There hadn’t been too many times that they had seen one another in unhinged states of distress, but without any verbal communication it was understood what was going on. Wordlessly, Dean had crouched down at the other side of the tub and gently rubbed at Sami’s back, desperate be a good comrade in the never-ending struggle with mental health, to provide any sort of comfort. 

“Y’know, I can get the pillows and blankets if you wanna jus’ sleep in here tonight. I know how that goes,” Dean softly broke the silence once Sami’s breathing steadied.

“No, I’ll get up.” Sami sniffed. “Can you get me some water, though?”

“‘Course.” Dean stood up and Sami sat up as he watched him retrieve an empty glass from the countertop and filled it with water, then brought it over and held on tightly, obviously making sure that a good grip was had on it before releasing his own. The contents were swallowed in one gulp, and Dean took the glass back. “Y’need more?”

“No, I think I’m good now.” Sami wiped his eyes. “Can you help me up?”

“Yeah.” Dean held an arm out, which Sami latched onto and used as leverage to pull himself out of the tub. “You uh...wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Cool. I’ll be around if...y’know.”

“Thanks, Dean.”

As Dean snored in the next bed over, Sami was wide awake. A brand split was absolutely for the best, and rumor had it that the newer roster members were the ones that would move to one brand. It meant that when, not if because Sami couldn’t deal with the word “if” anymore, Finn were to move up, it’d be likely they would be on the same roster. It was likely that they’d travel together, wake up together and go to sleep together. That they could see each other every day. That Sami could tell Finn how much he loved him in person and not over the phone, not through a speaker from hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away; Sami would tell him that every single waking moment they shared if he had to, in front of arenas and stadiums if Finn wanted that. Sami could touch Finn and be touched for more than a night or two, and that thought alone made him weak. These were the things that propelled Sami forward, were sometimes the only things that kept him going when the road was a little too long or the crowd was a little too quiet.

But then again.

What if Finn went to the other roster? _If._

Sami’s chest tightened. If Finn went to the other roster, it’d mean that they’d indefinitely be stuck with the schedule that they already had now. It’d mean that they’d be travelling, but not together, likely on opposite sides of the country. It’d mean that they would never have more than that, never have the energy to do anything on their sacred few days off. That every glimmer of hope would have been for nothing. There was no evidence that this would be the case, but Sami’s brain was hard pressed to convince him that his fears were gospel truth. 

Somewhere between optimism and practicality was where Sami invested his expectations of the world; he didn’t believe in fate or destiny, but liked to imagine that if a human being worked really hard, the universe was capable of some form of mercy. However, in the early hours of the morning as he lay awake in bed and stared at the ceiling, Sami wondered if maybe he and Finn were either being tested, or were not actually meant to be with one another. As if this was a fluke, as long suspected. The thought was enough to make tears well up again, and he rolled over to bury his face in a pillow and muffled the anguished sounds that followed. It was ridiculous to get worked up over ifs, but Sami’s brain refused to let up. 

After Smackdown, Sami hauled ass over to the airport. It was a two hour flight, maybe Finn would be up when he got home, maybe Sami wouldn’t wake him up this time, maybe they could spend a few extra quality minutes together without the guilt of keeping his partner up; Sami would have loved to just hold Finn even if he wasn’t awake, but Finn always had trouble falling back asleep once he woke up, so they’d cuddle and Finn would go into work tired. It was selfish. Sami was selfish and a burden that couldn’t get enough or appreciate what he had. He couldn’t fully appreciate his career, and he couldn’t fully appreciate that he somehow won over someone like Finn, but always needed more. Why couldn’t Sami just take the two days that he was given with someone that he didn’t deserve and just enjoy them? 

A few trips were made to the airplane’s bathroom so that he could have some privacy. Thankfully there weren’t a lot of people on the flight, and he explained to the passenger next to him that his allergies were bad this time of year. The explanation probably wasn’t necessary. No one cared. 

Once the plane landed, it was the same routine: pull up the Uber app, get a ride home, tip well for getting him back quickly. As Sami exited the vehicle and said goodnight to the driver, he looked at the apartment and noted that the lights were out. Great. Finn was probably asleep. A glance at his phone told Sami that it was just past 2:00am, which was a normal time for a normal human being to be asleep and remain asleep. It was a warm night with clear weather, and Sami thought about sleeping on the porch instead of going inside. 

But he was tired. He was weak. Sami missed Finn too much, missed their home. So he went inside. 

The front door was slowly opened to minimize noise, and Sami carefully placed his bags on the sofa, taking a seat next to them to untie his shoes and slip them off. A few minutes passed in the dark. Perhaps he could sleep here tonight, instead of going into the bedroom and face temptation head on. 

“Sami?” came a sleepy voice from the direction of the bedroom, and Sami whipped his head around to look at Finn, clad only in boxer-briefs and standing in the doorway. “What’re are you doing there?” 

“I…” Sami swallowed, trying to recover from the vision he was greeted with, was always greeted with. “I didn’t want to wake you up, and I did anyway. I’m sorry.” 

“I wasn’t asleep, I was waiting for you.” Finn smiled as he leisurely strolled towards the sofa. “I saw the headlights outside. Didn’t know what the holdup was.” 

“I didn’t mean to make you wait, I’m sorry.” Sami apologized again as Finn now stood in front of him. He rested his forehead against Finn’s stomach and wrapped arms around his thighs. “I always wake you up, but I just want to be near you. I suck.” 

“Shhh.” FInn rubbed at Sami’s scalp. “C’mon, don’t be like this. I’d rather you wake me up than stay away. I sleep better with you next to me.” 

“But I snore.” 

Finn laughed. “But I love you.” 

Sami laughed back. “That doesn’t change anything.” 

“It’s enough.” 

“Hm.” Sami looked up into Finn’s face, which lovingly peered back at him. 

“Can we please go to bed now?” 

“OK.” Sami let go and stood up, happily accepting a kiss from Finn and kissing him as well, then following his lead, sneaking glances at his backside along the way. As they crawled under the covers and held tight to one another, Sami thought about Finn’s words: it’s enough. While there may not have been any certainty for what their careers held in the very near future, the ifs strong and scary, what they had was enough. Enough to make it, no matter what it was. 

Finn was enough. They would be fine. Sami would survive. 


End file.
